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That *YES!* moment and dreams postponed

There is a moment when you are working on a new project when you get this feeling of exhilaration. When things have clicked and just come together in a way that you know it fits, you know you are on the right path and things will do nothing but fall into place from there onward. As nice as that is, it is nothing to the feeling you get when you experience such a feeling while working on an old project. I had that sort of experience a little while ago and it has me feeling supercharged about my project in a way I have not felt in years. Yes, years… I have been working on this off and on for many years now and last month, while I was working on my NaNoWriMo novel, I kept finding myself wanting to work instead on… this.

I tried to ignore the feelings, but… it was hard. I want to be working on this project. So, I have given in and will be using this renewed feeling of exhilaration to push myself forward on the path of starting a career in Game Production and Design. I am leaving all of the old junk on this site as well as on the connected social sites such as Twitter and the YouTube channel. Why? Because if someday someone wants to look into just how easy this sort of thing is, I want them to see how many years I struggled and worked toward whatever this becomes. No hidden ugliness, no perception of things leaping from nothing to awesome, if anyone wants to see where I began they will be able to.

So, where to from this yes moment? For many years I have wanted to work in the film industry. We’re talking going back to my early childhood when I would walk through the creek behind my parent’s house and imagine in my mind how to create a scene in a fantasy movie. I remember thinking about a feast and how to combine a cantaloupe with grapes inside it to create the illusion of some fantasy fruit that has large pulpy pomegranate-like seeds inside when it was cut open. Hey, I was around 12 and it was the early 80’s, it seemed like a good prop at the time. The desire to be involved in film went back much further than that, but it was a dream that never got the chance to take flight. Life always seemed to interfere.

I recently found a sheet of notebook paper tucked into an old book. In 1996 had wrote out a posting to put up on the local bulletin boards seeking people that wanted to work in the film industry, I remember I had made clap boards and production books and all sorts of things I knew would be required for film production and even drawn out plans for a 5 year goal of having a full studio setup on a 5 acre lot where Alaskan film makers could shoot films. My goal, as stated on the flyer, was to begin production of a full length movie in June ’96.

June 8, 1996, a bit over a week before the date I had planned to start up my film production company, the sky began to fill with smoke. My dreams of starting a film production company, along with all of the things I had built to begin that production company, went up in the smoke of the Miller’s Reach fire of ’96. Life had interfered in a huge way that time.

In more recent years the obstacles have been less dramatic, but each time I have thought I could move forward with my goals – things happened and I put it off. It always seemed so easy to put it off and start it when life was less chaotic. Over the years I have found, however, that every time I get that *YES!* feeling it is connected to my desire to show the world I see to others. Given my current issues about being around other people I have no delusion I could start a production company the way I had daydreamed of doing 20 years ago, but that does not mean I can not do production work.

Over the years my focus turned away from traditional film to book writing and then to game design. For the past few years I have been unable to read, it is a medium I just can not get lost in the way I could when I was younger. Movies too are… lacking emotional connection for me. There are very few movies or TV shows I feel connected to in a way that makes me enjoy them the way I feel I should. Games, however, games I like. I can drop into he world of Dishonored or Thief or the Witcher and just… enjoy the escapism they offer. And the wonderful thing is… there is no reason why I can not create things like that in the same way I once wanted to create movies and books.

In the 1970’s Star Wars made me want to make movies, to show the world I see through film. When that failed to be possible I turned to writing, I could create the imagery with words. And yet… 3D and gaming is a medium I can work with that gives me what I really want. A medium I can craft into a world view and share with others, so… my goal. Do not give up. Do not let life stop me. The last few times I wanted to try this my computer broke in serious ways that made it impossible to run Blender, then the power adapter needed replaced, one thing after another interfering with my ability to work. This time my focus needs to be on staying on course in any way I can despite these setbacks and obstacles. To start up a Game Production Company going into 2017.

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